The Fifth House

2003-08-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

I PASSED A DRUG TEST!!!!

It may seem silly to get excited about peeing in a paper cup, but it was very gratifying to see the test come up negative for everything. I took the test at the counseling center last week, and while the opiates(pills) were out of my system, the pot was not. I guess pot stays in your body for a while. But on Friday I took the test again, and I am clean!! Now I can get a job. It is very hard in Vegas to find a job that doesn't require drug testing. I talked to a nanny agency, I used to be a nanny and I would like to get back into it. It seems strange to go from stripper to nanny, but I am changing my life, so a completely different job is what I need.

2003-08-14T23:28:00.000-07:00

I saw a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and she put me on some new medication for depression. I have been clinically depressed for 4 years and I was on medication that wasn't working anymore. (By the way, depression medication is non-narcotic, in case you were wondering. If it was a narcotic, I wouldn't take it. Narcotics are evil.) Anyway, my brain chemistry is so fucked up right now, not only fron switching meds, but because of the damage the pills did that I am freaking out and getting upset over nothing. I am looking for a new job now, and the thought of working in an ordinary job sent me into a panic. But then I thought about it rationally and realized that I want a job where I can keep my clothes on and not have to listen to men's crap, and most importantly, stay off drugs. I just freak out sometimes. But I always comfort myself when I remember that the worst is over and I never have to go back to the world of addiction and withdrawl again. I choose every day to not take pills, because the consequences are not worth the high. Every time I make that choice, it makes me smile. When I was addicted, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I had to take the pills, there was no other option. Now it feels like I got out of prison, and what I do is my own decision. The pills have lost their hold on me.

A lot of people compare drug addictions to abusive relationships. I think I know what they mean. I have never been in any kind of abusive relationship, but it seems to me that although the victim is being hurt by the abuser, they are also being taken care of by the abuser, and leaving the abuser would be leaving the comfort of knowing someone is going to take care of them. I felt like the pills created a bubble around me that took care of me and shielded me from the world. It was really scary to think of going out and getting a job and talking to people and doing everyday things without that bubble. But what I have found is that it is also exciting. The bubble was keeping eveything away, bad and good. Recently, it was keeping good away a lot more than bad! So while I still am scared a lot of the time, I am getting excited about little things I had forgotten how to enjoy.

2003-08-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

Oh my god! I am so sorry to have neglected you all for so long, but I have been a little preoccupied, ya know? Here's whats been happeneing. After Hawaii (which was awesome!) I went back to my hometown to work at my old club for a few weeks. It was good too see my friends but they were all worried about me because I was on so many drugs. When I got back to Vegas, I felt like shit and finally decided that the drugs had to go. They were killing me. I called my mother and she said she had suspected, and she was willing to help me. She came out here and stayed with us and helped me through the withdrawl. Let me just say that while there must be something worse than withdrawl in the world, I have never experienced it. That week was the worst week of my entire life. It was utter hell. I would have given absolutely anything to make it stop. But now that it is over, the memory of it is making me never want to do drugs again. So for that reason, I am glad I went through it. I cannot possibly convey what it was like, because it isn't like anything. Anyway, now I am in a counseling program where I go 6 days a week and talk to a lot of therapists, one of whom is really kicking my ass! (Which I need) It has been really hard, and some days I miss my pills so much, but most of the time I feel like I have been rescued, and I am safe now. I am really proud of myself.

I AM FREE!!!

2003-07-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been away. Been to hell and back, four days clean now and today is the first I feel human again.

2003-05-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am out of here! I am leaving in a little while to go to fabulous Hawaii! I really need some time to get out of my head and stop obsessing about drugs. I can worry about getting my life together when I get back. I hope everyone can survive without my incredible posts of wisdom! Just kidding. I'm going to think about nothing but enjoying Hawaii for the next two weeks, and fuck everything else. I'll talk to you all when I get back!

2003-05-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

I just went shopping for my trip. I love and hate shopping. I love buying new things for myself, but I get so irritated at the huge number of people who get in my way. I forgot how overpopulated Vegas is. Ever aisle I walk down in the stores, there are people blocking my way, and standing there looking dumb, and I just want to yell, "Get out of my way!!" Then at the check out lines, there are never enough clerks to handle all the customers, so I get stuck behind some idiot woman yelling at her kids and arguing about prices with the clerk. I want to say, "Are we going to get out of here this YEAR?" Why am I such a bitch? Everyone else has as much right to be there as I do.

I can't believe I am leaving tomorrow! I am knee deep in clothes, suitcases, laundry and packing lists! I love vacations! I love packing all my cute little sundresses and stuff. For the first time in my life, I am wanting to find a computer while on vacation. I never had much use for them, especially on vacation, but I am enjoying doing this blog so much that I want to post something from Hawaii! If I don't, I may ask Jenny to post something for me. By the way, Jenny, if you are reading this, I wish you were coming with us!

I just got the most beautiful package in the mail. Inside a box, hidden in styrofoam packing peanuts, was a little baggie with like a hundred Percocets in it. I am so happy!

2003-05-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I am high out of my mind right now, but I will try to make this coherent.

I tried to post yesterday, but something was fucked up on Blogger, so I couldn't get it to publish. Having no knowledge of computers, I did not know how to fix it. Miss me?

I just finished my first day at my new club. It was OK. I got up at 2, took some pills, showered, went to work at 3, got high, worked, sobered up, went home and got high again. Hate my job. It's the same story everywhere. I am sick of being a stripper, but I can't do anything else to make this much money. Makes me sad.

OK, Blogger seems to be working now, so yesterday's post should be there, as well as today's. As long as I don't fuck things up!

Nothing else is new, I still wake up every day loving and hating the Pills. Right now I am on pills, pot, and 2 hits of Ecstasy. I can't even think.

2003-05-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

Yay! I have passed the one thousand hits mark!

I auditioned at a new club yesterday because I am sick of my old one. I am going in at 3am tonight. I hope it's more fun than the one I am at now. I can't say the name of it in case some freak out there lives in Vegas and decides to hunt me down! After I auditioned, I met Jenny and we tried to go in the club to check out the naked chicks but we couldn't get in because we didn't have men with us. That is a stupid rule that most of the clubs in Vegas have. No fair, we like naked women too! But it's not like I never get to see that! Anyway, we ended up going to the Luxor and eating Ice Cream.

2003-05-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Great comments, you guys! Thanks. I love that I am reaching out to people. It seems I have found a few people who have been where I am. Because of that, I now officially deem my blog a success. Thank you all so much!

A few people said their drug use led to attempted suicide. Of course this thought has run around my head, but I could never do it. I look around and see what I have, like the best boyfriend in the world, and two beautiful, wonderful dogs and a close family (even though they'ry in another state!). One day I thought about what it would do to my mother if I killed myself and realized I could never do that to her. It would absolutely ruin her. I could not leave my dogs orphans and I could never, ever leave B. So I don't think it will come to that, but I do think if I don't do something soon, I will reach some sort of breaking point. My plan right now is to go to Hawaii, get un-stressed, do any drugs I want and then come home and ask my parents to help pay for me to go to rehab. (I'm pretty sure they will) I am so sick of being an addict, I think it will be a relief. I want to do that rapid-detox thing I have heard so much about, but I will have to find out how much it costs. It had a very high success rate and you don't experience the withdrawl. I have to get out of this trap soon. If I don't, I'm afraid I will lose my fucking mind.

By the way, I hope everyone is having a good Memorial Day!

2003-05-26T03:34:00.000-07:00

If I prayed, tonight I would pray for...
I can see my dealer tomorrow.
My dealer has what I want.
My package of pills will arrive soon.
I will stop feeling shitty.
I hope it isn't the drugs making me feel shitty.
I want to get off drugs.
I want to do more drugs.
I want to be free of drugs.
I want to drugs to work like they used to.
I'll pull out of this funk in time for the cruise.
I hope I can still be healthy.
I want to be well.

2003-05-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

RANDOM STUFF
First of all, I would like to thank Jenny and Annika for defending me against that Asswipe, Some Random Guy (See the last "Drug Stuff" entry, Read the Comments) and Scof and The Wizard of Oslo for their words of encouragement. Thanks guys! I really appreciate it. Don't worry, I'm not going to let him bother me. I'm actually enjoying having some drama on my site!

Second of all, my site is a week old. (Yay!)

I've been feeling kind of crappy all day (Sunday) and now it's 1:45 in the morning and I still feel kind of fucked up. I don't know if I am ill or if my body is sick of me poisoning it. I have done a slighly above average amount of drugs today, but nothing has made me feel better. What is wrong with me? I am actually having a drink tonight, and it hasn't made me any better or worse. It is rare for me to be having a drink, I usually don't drink at all. I don't really enjoy the sensation of being drunk, and I hate hangovers. I hate being dehydrated and having to pee every two minutes.

Besides, alcohol dulls the drugs.

By the way, the boyfriend and I are going to Hawaii in about a week. I may find a computer and send you all my delightful words of wisdom from afar, and I may ask Jenny to post something for me, but basically I will be out of touch starting this Saturday and continuing for two weeks. We are going to have a blast. I have only been to Hawaii once before, and only been to Oahu and The Big Island. This time I get to see more islands, and go on a cruise. I go on a cruise every two years, and that is the reason my credit card balances look the way they do. But I want to enjoy life, and these cruises are worth being in a little debt.

Ew, B and I just found a roach! (Bug, not Drug)

2003-05-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

A good site with a fun Quiz! Annika!

2003-05-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

DRUG STUFF
Okay. No Ecstasy yesterday or today, no migraines yesterday or today. Seeing a pattern? I think E will be easy to quit, not only because of the migraines, but it was never an addiction, it was just a party drug. Maybe I'll do it once in a while, at a club or something. E is an amphetamine(upper), and I am not an amphetamine lover, I am an opiate lover. I like downers. They don't make me tired or depressed like they do some people. They make me feel like I have a soft layer of something intangible over my whole body, creating a cushion between me and the world. They make me feel like I can handle things in life, sometimes when a pill hits I jump up and clean the kitchen or give myself a facial or something. So, sounds pretty good, huh? Yeah, a pill a day keeps the pain away, right? Only now it's two pills a day. Three pills. Four. You get the pattern. Our bodies develop tolerances to any substance we put in them. It really sucks.

So, now I take between 3 and 7 pills a day and I never feel as euphoric as I used to with just one. I still feel the bad effects like stomachaches(if I don't eat) and dizziness(sometimes). I feel angry and sad when this happens, like the pills betrayed me or something idiotic like that. Part of me doesn't understand why the pills aren't working like they used to, even though logically, I know I developed a tolerance. This is why I want to do Oxycontin more often. I am so scared about it. I will try to get ahold of it, and if I have it I'll take it and I know this, and I am telling myself NOT to ever take Oxy again, but I am still going to do it because my brain and body and soul are screaming at me to do ANYTHING to bring back that euphoria. That perfect, floaty, life is wonderful feeling, a pillow to sit on while sliding down that giant razorblade of life. Then there are the times I run out (thanks to my awesome new dealer, that won't happen anymore) and let me tell you, it feels like a trip to hell. You can't do anything to feel better, because nothing in the world will make anything OK ever again except a pill. You can't get out of this hell, you can't get away from it. Then the monster starts screaming inside your chest and you want to scream but don't have the energy so you cry and cry and cry.

2003-05-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

Anyone want to see a cool blog? lil_starry.blogspot.com

Anyone want to take a fun quiz? Click Here.

2003-05-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

SEX STUFF
Let's talk about sex. It's a fun topic that everyone is part knowledgeable and part curious about, whether they admit it or not. And everybody does it. (Well, almost)

Does anyone have a juicy sexual experience to share? I have many. I will share them, I'm sure, in many of my posts. I have been tied up, spanked, I have tied up and spanked other people, I've played with toys, (alone and with others) I have had anal sex, sex in public places, sex with people I shouldn't have and I have had 4 threesomes (three with me, a girl and a guy and one with me and two girls) I like so play games like headmaster and schoolgirl, rape, slave and master, etc. I am usually more dominant with women and submissive with men but I am flexible. It depends on my mood and who I am with.

I am not into sex with animals, sex with children, incest, being burned or cut, being shit or pissed upon, or shitting and pissing on someone else. I like to be kinky, but hey, we all have lines we won't cross.

The cool thing about my boyfriend B is that he is always open to trying the stuff I'm into. Never have I suggested something that he won't try. He seems to have the same boundaries as I do. We once had sex in a public bathroom. Once hanging out of his car in a church parking lot. Once at the top of a stairwell with people walking below. Once he tied me up and fucked me while putting a vibrator in my ass. We have a riding crop and two paddles which we use often. We go to the adult superstore together. We have a large porn and toy collection. And, B has no problem with me sleeping with other women. In fact, he encourages it!

All right, I've showed you mine. Show me yours!

2003-05-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

STRIPPER STUFF
You know how a lot of people think only a certain type of guys go to strip clubs? Well, I think I figured out why. First of all, this is a misconception. In reality, a lot of different types of people go in there, guys and girls. Doctors, lawyers, bikers, executives, retired seniors, husbands and fathers, wives and mothers. Yes, there are the occasional idiotic, drunk, horny frat boys, but they do not make up the majority of strip club patrons. I think the reason everyone thinks they are the majority is that, for the amount of time they are inside the walls of an establishment where women talk to them, then dance naked for them, they get in touch with their Inner Frat Boy. Some people let their Inner Frat Boy completely take over in the strip club, and they are usually the worst customers(except for the real Frat Boys)because they are cheap, they are handsy, they are rude and obnoxious. Most people only get a little bit in touch with their Inner Frat Boy, so they can still act like semi-decent human beings, and when they walk out the door they turn back into their usual selves-doctors, lawyers, etc. So everyone goes in and comes out a normal human being, but while inside the Magical Rooms of Nakedness, they go a little mad. Hey, we all go a little mad sometimes. (:

Please know that I have nothing against real frat boys, I'm just using them as an example.

2003-05-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

DOGS, DRUGS, AND GOING OUT
I am up early because I just took my dog to get her hair cut. She looks beautiful.

I went out with B last night. I went down to the bar where he works and waited for him. While I was waiting, I met these guys who knew a lot about Star Trek and Buffy. We had a great conversation. If you guys are reading this, it was really great meeting you! The guys have an online talk show where they talk about Buffy and sci-fi and stuff like that, you should check out their sites. www.showtalkers.com and www.KSKR.com.

Anyway, after B got off work we went to the Luxor, which is my favorite hotel because I love Egyptian stuff. I was on two hits of E and a little pot. I felt really good for several hours, kind of like I was wrapped up in a blanket of happiness and good sensations. But then I started to come down, I felt depressed and got a really bad migraine. I think I am going to stop doing E now. I hate those migraines so much, and like I said, I don't want to get addicted. Also, E makes your brain release a lot of serotonin, and I already have an imbalance of serotonin, so I think it would be better if I didn't mess with that. So...I am about to say goodbye to my E days forever, which will be okay as long as I have my pills. My pills are so comforting, I hold on to them like little life preservers. I am both dreading and looking forward to quitting. Does that make sense?

2003-05-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

Okay. I think I figured out how to unfuck what I fucked up.

2003-05-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

IM AN IDIOT
Okay, I am such an idiot when it comes to computers! I just posted something accidentally and couldn't get rid of it so I then posted "Oops" Then the first thing did go away and now I can't get the oops to go away! Oops again. I'm trying to get rid of the oops but I may have to wait until B gets home. Or maybe its all gone already. If anyone gets any weird posts just ignore them and chalk it up to me being computer illiterate. I'll get better, I promise!

2003-05-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

READ THIS ONE
Has anyone ever used a dating service? I never have, I have rarely even agreed to being set up. I don't like dating. I almost didn't hook up with B, But there was something about him that I couldn't stay away from. I'm so glad I kept him! And now I never have to date again. Such a relief! Anyway, I can't imagine a dating service ever working out, but obviously they do or they wouldn't still be in business. A guy friend of mine used them all the time and nothing ever worked out. One girl even met him and then took off five minutes later when he was in the bathroom. Anyone have stories? I'd love to hear them.

2003-05-22T02:28:00.000-07:00

This is my response to "Handsome"s comment. Read comment #4 under the post where I describe myself before reading this post.

You seem smart but I hate to see you ragging on yourself! I think we would get along in person, because we are both geeks. Don't write me off before you get to know me.

As for women, we are all insane and confused and unreasonable. We change our minds all the time. You'd think being a woman I would have some insight into women, but I guess we don't even understand ourselves.

A chemical addiction is really scary. That's why I want to quit. It is so overpowering that conning my neighbor didn't even feel like I was doing anything wrong. All I could focus on was getting drugs to make the "Monster" stop screaming.

I don't think you would be the kind of guy I would want to take advantage of at the club because you seem nice. The ones I want to hurt are the assholes who won't spend money and try to make me feel like a piece of meat. I think it's rude to come into a strip club and not spend any money on strippers. If you don't want to pay for entertainment, you shouldn't get it for free. Guys who are shy, geeky, and lonely are often the best customers because they are so polite.

Thanks for all your comments everyone!
Love You All

2003-05-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen "Trainspotting"? Whoa. Freaked the hell out of me.

2003-05-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

STUFF ABOUT ME
I was wondering if any of you were wondering what I look like. Well, you can call me vain and you'd be right, but I think I look great. I have very pale skin, butt length straight black hair and light blue eyes. I am about 5'5" and about 120 pounds. I have small breasts (Bra size-34-A) but they're nice. I am in pretty good shape, especially my legs. I wear a size 7 shoe. I imagine I will look even better when I get off the drugs and start eating healthy. If anyone wants to, comment with your own physical description. Be honest.

2003-05-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

DRUG STUFF
I just woke up and have nothing in my system. My legs hurt. My skin feels creepy. I took two Lortabs(Hydrocodone/APAP 10/500)and when they kick in I'll feel better. It just takes time for them to go from my stomach to my intestines and into my bloodstream. I want to smoke a bowl(of pot)because it hits faster but I won't because I don't want my brain to stop working. I want to take E because it makes me as happy as the pills used to. I won't because I don't want E to become another addiction. I want it to be a fun drug.

My Inventory

30 Lortabs
28 Darvocets
4 Hits of E
Almost an Eighth of pot
Some anti-anxiety pills from when B had a stomach problem (not much fun)

Okay, I just walked to the mailbox and on the way back the pills hit me. I feel so much better now. Sometimes it feels like there's a crying baby inside my chest screaming for food. The pills make it stop crying. Last time I ran out of pills the baby turned into a monster, screaming and roaring and clawing, and I couldn't get away or make the monster be quiet. It felt like I was in hell, and everything was hopeless and I couldn't even sleep to escape it. I wished for death, but I have too many good things to live for to ever contemplate suicide. I finally faked a toothache, put an icepack on the side of my face, and went across the hall to my neighbor's apartment. He felt sorry for my tooth and gave me a bottle of Percocets(Oxycodone/APAP 5/325). They were the most beautiful things I had ever seen, and I chewed two up right away. Miraculously, everything was okay again. It was a terrifying day.

2003-05-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

Check this out:

www.opiates.com

I really think they would understand me. I hope I can afford to go there.

2003-05-20T21:48:00.000-07:00

Now I know I have a heart because it's breaking.

I just watched the series finale of Buffy. I won't put any spoilers here, I'll just say I cried for half an hour.

2003-05-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out for sushi with B and his friends. I like his friends a lot. They really don't care what people think of them, so they act totally crazy. Not only are they very entertaining, but it is very freeing to be around them. I can act as freaky as I want. Also, they don't try to hit on me because they are B's friends. I like hanging out with men who don't hit on me. It's much less of a pain in the ass.
My dealer was there. She is friends with one of B's friends. She is a cool chick and fun to hang out with.(I'll never put her name on my site so don't ask. ) I got some pot from her(Yay!) and asked her about Oxycontin. She was pretty reluctant and I understand why. Oxy is some fucking serious shit. It's a super-powerful painkiller for severe burn victims. If you overdose, you're fucked. I would never overdose because once I took an Oxycontin 80 and threw up the rest of the day. I never want that much again and that wasn't even close to an overdose. I'm not planning on snorting it because it is so strong, and I wouldn't shoot it because I have never shot myself up and I never plan to.

2003-05-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

One more thing about my child hood: I was very imaginative. I would play outside and would'nt even need toys because I inventer whole fantasy worlds in my mind. I never dreamed I wold need any other escape than that, especially not drugs. How did I go from that imaginative child to the sleep all day, drug doing TV watcher I am now?

Speaking of TV, I would like to take a moment to mourn the passing of one of my very favorite TV shows. Tonight is the last episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am very sad. ):

2003-05-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

By the way, check out my friend Jenny's site. It's really cool. It's the link that says "JTG"

2003-05-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

I am on E and Pot right now so please forgive me if this is a little disjointed.
I was wondering what made me a candidate for drugs. I grew up in a middle class suburb and hung out with kids who didn't smoke or drink, let alone did drugs. I didn't have anything incredibly huge to be upset about to need to escape into drugs. It wasn't my parents fault. They gave me all the drug talks and kept me drug free all through high school and beyond. My very first Prescription Painkiller was when I was 24. I had gotten a tooth pulled that day and my dentist gave me Lorcet.(Hydrocodone/APAP 10/650) I took one pill and I felt so completely happy the rest of the day. I felt like I was wrapped up in a blanket or in a bubble that kept me safe from the world. I started getting them just for fun and now two and a half years later I take them not for fun, just to feel normal. How did this happen? The only thing I can think of is that I am a very obsessive person. For example, when I like a certain TV show(Star Trek, X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) I would tape it and watch it all the time, and think about it when I'm not watching. When I was little I would obsess over certain fairy tales. I always got over every obsession, but a new one was usually popping up. So what is addiction but a really powerful obsession?

2003-05-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

Awake earlier than normal because my dog swears he heard someone come into our apartment. Maybe it was maintinence. My dog is a very good watchdog even though he is small. My other dog slept through it all.
I have taken my pills but I can,t feel them yet. I chewed them up because even though they taste terrible, they work faster if chewed. I am calm enough because I know they will start working soon.

2003-05-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

My morals (or lack thereof)

My morals are different from most people's in that most people either have them or don't. I just modify mine for my own convenience. I will steal from a stranger but not from a friend. I can lie with a straight face. If two friends of mine fight with each other I always take the side of the one I like best. I will screw someone over if it benefits someone else I like better. I treat my friends like royalty and strangers like shit. I hate 99% of the human population. I love 99% of the animal population (insects excluded). I had sex for the first time when I was 15. I never had any problem fucking whoever I wanted to (yes I've always been safe). I would not cheat on my boyfriend (he doesn't think it's cheating if I sleep with girls). I am a part-time stripper, and I will say anything and lead on the guys to get their money and then leave them horny and broke and alone. Is that mean of me? Yes. Do I feel bad about it? No. Basically, I am very moral in regards to people I care about and completely without morals in regards to the ones I don't give a shit about. I sleep very well at night.

2003-05-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

I've been asleep all day because I was up all night. I have also been battling a very bad migraine. Painkillers don't really do a lot for my pain anymore, I have such a high tolerance. But at least it gives me a good excuse to pop a bunch of pills and not feel bad about it. I remember when one Vicodin would send me floating around the room. One Vicodin has 5mg of Hydrocodone in it. These days I take about 50mg of Hydrocodone a day. Percocets are stronger, they have Oxycodone in them so if I have those I only need 20 or 25mg a day. Right now I have something called Darvocet, and it isn't very strong at all. One pill has 100mg in it, and it still isn't as strong as 10mg of hydrocodone. A friend is getting me a big bottle of Percocets and some Oxycontin and I am forever grateful to her. Thank you Nicole! I adore you. Nicole is a really hot chick and I once had a threesome with her and her boyfriend. She was a good lay. I'm going to go eat the burger that B made for me and probably do some more drugs.

2003-05-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

So, as I said, I don't know much about computers. This is my first website. I had to have B write down directions for me on how to post and edit. (He made the title with the tree.) For a long time I resisted getting online, but I have finally joined the computer age. I did, however, finally figure out why people say Email is easier than talking on the phone. I am someone who sometimes has long, chatty conversations on the phone. I did not see how Emailing would make those conversations easier since it would take much longer to write everything out. Then I realized that people didn't mean they would substitute the long conversations with Email, rather, Emailing is for people you want to avoid talking to. For example, this friend of mine from back home is always bugging me to call her and I don't like getting on the phone with her because she is really boring. I Emailed her last night so that I wouldn't have to listen to her talk about nothing for three hours, yet I still get credit for contacting her. So Emailing doesn't make it easier to talk to your friends, it makes it easier to avoid talking to your friends. Which is sometimes just as important.

Drugs I do: Painkillers, Pot, Ecstasy,
Drugs I have tried: Hash, Acid(Only once and never again-it was scary)
Drugs I want to try: Mushrooms, Opium, Dilaudid(stong painkiller)
Drugs I never want to try: Coke, Meth, Heroin, Special K, GHB

2003-05-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

This is my new site. I am going to talk about whatever the fuck I want to so if you don't find it interesting, too bad. I was inspiried by my boyfriend who has a site where he talks about whatever comes into his mind. He says it's very freeing. So even though I know next to nothing about computers, I asked my boyfriend to make me this site. (Thank you, B. From here on out, I will refer to my boyfriend as "B".) So here it is. Take it or leave it.

I imagine I will be talking about drugs a lot, so if you don't like hearing about it, here's your fair warning. I am planning on quitting in a month or so, and that's going to suck ass. I know it's a problem and I need help and blah blah, so no intervention crap please. By the way, that "Parents, the anti-drug" stuff is bullshit. I have great parents. I have no sob story. I just fucking love painkillers too much.

Right now I am smoking a hookah. There isn't anything good in it, just melon flavored tobacco. I don't smoke cigarettes, just the occasional hookah (I did go through three months of smoking cloves at work, but then I remembered how cigarettes gross me out and I have no desire to ever smoke them again.). I have been up all night on E and coming down sucks and the hookah is making the landing a little smoother. I wish I had some pot. Okay, here I am talking about drugs again. I warned you. But that's not all I'm going to talk about, I promise.

B and I want to buy a house while the interest rates are low but neither one of us has much money right now. We have a pretty nice apartment right now and a little money to fuck around with so we are okay and relatively happy with life. Sorry, no sob story there either. I am actually in a happy relationship for the first time in my life. My boyfriend is brilliant and good looking, not to mention the best lay I have ever had. We have been together for about three years and moved in together a month and a half ago. So far, so good. I have to give him credit for putting up with my dogs and my addiction and my PMS, not to mention the enormous amount of shit I brought with me when I moved here.

I'm not going to explain why I chose Suspiria as my handle, but if anyone figures it out, I'll be very impressed. It's an obscure reference.

That's all for now. More later.