I PASSED A DRUG TEST!!!!

It may seem silly to get excited about peeing in a paper cup, but it was very gratifying to see the test come up negative for everything. I took the test at the counseling center last week, and while the opiates(pills) were out of my system, the pot was not. I guess pot stays in your body for a while. But on Friday I took the test again, and I am clean!! Now I can get a job. It is very hard in Vegas to find a job that doesn't require drug testing. I talked to a nanny agency, I used to be a nanny and I would like to get back into it. It seems strange to go from stripper to nanny, but I am changing my life, so a completely different job is what I need.
- Suspiria @ 11:35 AM -

 
I saw a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and she put me on some new medication for depression. I have been clinically depressed for 4 years and I was on medication that wasn't working anymore. (By the way, depression medication is non-narcotic, in case you were wondering. If it was a narcotic, I wouldn't take it. Narcotics are evil.) Anyway, my brain chemistry is so fucked up right now, not only fron switching meds, but because of the damage the pills did that I am freaking out and getting upset over nothing. I am looking for a new job now, and the thought of working in an ordinary job sent me into a panic. But then I thought about it rationally and realized that I want a job where I can keep my clothes on and not have to listen to men's crap, and most importantly, stay off drugs. I just freak out sometimes. But I always comfort myself when I remember that the worst is over and I never have to go back to the world of addiction and withdrawl again. I choose every day to not take pills, because the consequences are not worth the high. Every time I make that choice, it makes me smile. When I was addicted, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I had to take the pills, there was no other option. Now it feels like I got out of prison, and what I do is my own decision. The pills have lost their hold on me.

A lot of people compare drug addictions to abusive relationships. I think I know what they mean. I have never been in any kind of abusive relationship, but it seems to me that although the victim is being hurt by the abuser, they are also being taken care of by the abuser, and leaving the abuser would be leaving the comfort of knowing someone is going to take care of them. I felt like the pills created a bubble around me that took care of me and shielded me from the world. It was really scary to think of going out and getting a job and talking to people and doing everyday things without that bubble. But what I have found is that it is also exciting. The bubble was keeping eveything away, bad and good. Recently, it was keeping good away a lot more than bad! So while I still am scared a lot of the time, I am getting excited about little things I had forgotten how to enjoy.
- Suspiria @ 11:28 PM -

 
Oh my god! I am so sorry to have neglected you all for so long, but I have been a little preoccupied, ya know? Here's whats been happeneing. After Hawaii (which was awesome!) I went back to my hometown to work at my old club for a few weeks. It was good too see my friends but they were all worried about me because I was on so many drugs. When I got back to Vegas, I felt like shit and finally decided that the drugs had to go. They were killing me. I called my mother and she said she had suspected, and she was willing to help me. She came out here and stayed with us and helped me through the withdrawl. Let me just say that while there must be something worse than withdrawl in the world, I have never experienced it. That week was the worst week of my entire life. It was utter hell. I would have given absolutely anything to make it stop. But now that it is over, the memory of it is making me never want to do drugs again. So for that reason, I am glad I went through it. I cannot possibly convey what it was like, because it isn't like anything. Anyway, now I am in a counseling program where I go 6 days a week and talk to a lot of therapists, one of whom is really kicking my ass! (Which I need) It has been really hard, and some days I miss my pills so much, but most of the time I feel like I have been rescued, and I am safe now. I am really proud of myself.

I AM FREE!!!
- Suspiria @ 10:40 PM -

 
Sorry I've been away. Been to hell and back, four days clean now and today is the first I feel human again.
- Suspiria @ 7:38 PM -

 
Okay, I am out of here! I am leaving in a little while to go to fabulous Hawaii! I really need some time to get out of my head and stop obsessing about drugs. I can worry about getting my life together when I get back. I hope everyone can survive without my incredible posts of wisdom! Just kidding. I'm going to think about nothing but enjoying Hawaii for the next two weeks, and fuck everything else. I'll talk to you all when I get back!
- Suspiria @ 7:41 PM -

 
I just went shopping for my trip. I love and hate shopping. I love buying new things for myself, but I get so irritated at the huge number of people who get in my way. I forgot how overpopulated Vegas is. Ever aisle I walk down in the stores, there are people blocking my way, and standing there looking dumb, and I just want to yell, "Get out of my way!!" Then at the check out lines, there are never enough clerks to handle all the customers, so I get stuck behind some idiot woman yelling at her kids and arguing about prices with the clerk. I want to say, "Are we going to get out of here this YEAR?" Why am I such a bitch? Everyone else has as much right to be there as I do.

I can't believe I am leaving tomorrow! I am knee deep in clothes, suitcases, laundry and packing lists! I love vacations! I love packing all my cute little sundresses and stuff. For the first time in my life, I am wanting to find a computer while on vacation. I never had much use for them, especially on vacation, but I am enjoying doing this blog so much that I want to post something from Hawaii! If I don't, I may ask Jenny to post something for me. By the way, Jenny, if you are reading this, I wish you were coming with us!

I just got the most beautiful package in the mail. Inside a box, hidden in styrofoam packing peanuts, was a little baggie with like a hundred Percocets in it. I am so happy!
- Suspiria @ 9:10 PM -

 
Hi everyone! I am high out of my mind right now, but I will try to make this coherent.

I tried to post yesterday, but something was fucked up on Blogger, so I couldn't get it to publish. Having no knowledge of computers, I did not know how to fix it. Miss me?

I just finished my first day at my new club. It was OK. I got up at 2, took some pills, showered, went to work at 3, got high, worked, sobered up, went home and got high again. Hate my job. It's the same story everywhere. I am sick of being a stripper, but I can't do anything else to make this much money. Makes me sad.

OK, Blogger seems to be working now, so yesterday's post should be there, as well as today's. As long as I don't fuck things up!

Nothing else is new, I still wake up every day loving and hating the Pills. Right now I am on pills, pot, and 2 hits of Ecstasy. I can't even think.
- Suspiria @ 10:11 PM -